Slenda, you're right - it gets so mixed up in our heads and in our hearts. I too know my mum loves me and is proud of me. I know that on one level she is a lovely, caring, supportive mum. But there is another side to her that I have never known how to handle, a side that didn't like me at all, that just couldn't cope with me - that side appeared when I was round about 11/12 years old and starting to have my own views, wishes, dreams. Becoming me, in other words. It was as if she couldn't handle that, didn't like the person she saw... wanted to change it and couldn't.
She tried very hard to stop me going to art college, leaving home, getting married, living far away from her. I saw that at the time as trying to stop me being happy, just as she had done to my dad. I did them all anyway, but with a huge sense of guilt at making her so unhappy. Thirteen years ago, I encouraged mum & dad to move close to us, & they did. It worked well, and she did begin to accept me a bit more.
Since my dad's death a year ago I have realized those things were attempts to keep hold of us, keep us close, to try not to lose us.
My mum is a very unhappy person, and I think looking back she has had borderline mental health issues all her life which she is only now getting some help for. Since Dad's death we have become closer, and I realize now that many of the hurtful things she did came from love, but maybe a messed-up kind of love with a lot of fear in it. We are never going to truly understand each other, but we have made a kind of peace & see each other every day & get real pleasure from that.
Maybe it's no coincidence I have never been able to face or work on my eating issues before now...
Slenda, this has turned into a bit of an outpouring... sorry. I think this thread just brings up painful stuff. Your posting has helped me to look at things from a little bit of a distance, and that helps. Not pretending I'm not still majorly mixed up, but...!
Pisces, thanks so much for starting this thread. I know you are at a different stage in your relationship and I think maybe getting some distance is what you need right now. Sometimes, you just have to take a step back from the hurt - it's self-preservation. I hope that you and your mum will one day find some understanding. Thanks Slenda & Pisces for this thread, for the insight, honesty and support. Hugs.
xxx