Last Time I Sabotaged Myself..

I bought a pair of jeans online and they've just arrived (size 14 and I started pre LL at a very tight size 18, possibly going into a size 20!) and are too big!

This reminded me of last time that I lost a substantial amount of weight about 7 years ago. I ordered something online and it arrived and I took one look at it and thought "that'll never fit, it's tiny!". Well, I tried it on and it was actually a little big, but instead of feeling really good about this it made me feel really uncomfortable, and even now, I still can't put my finger on why.

I really would love to identify some of the possible reasons that this might be though, as last time I never maintained that weight at all and I believe that subconciously I needed to put that weight back on.

I absolutely don't want that to happen this time, and as I remember being a size 14 at regular intervals throughout my adult life, I've never been a size 12, or not for long enough for it to matter. As I am getting slimmer, I don't want to return to this self sabotage but for the life of me, I don't know what's going on in my head around this!

It's a difficult thing to work out. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I've only ever lost part of my weight (on conventional diets) and when I did get to goal on LL I put a lot of the weight back on.

I hope that issues like these are tackled during the maintenance stages of LL because that's the most important thing and the time I'll need most support!

I honestly think you've gone a litte way to stop it from happening again by actually realising you have those thoughts or feelings again.

I don't want to seem presumtuous or condesending. But I know, that before when I have had success the sabotage has stemmed purely from those feelings that I do not deserve to be slim. Do you think this may be what is causing this?

Can U discuss it with your LLC ?

Hi Poppy
These are thoughts which I'm sure most of us will be able to relate to.
It would be helpful to discuss them in your LL group because the Counsellor will have been trained to deal with them and bringing them out in the open will help the others as well as you.
Well said Westie - it's the maintenance part which is so scary after all this hard work. That's going to be my challenge for 2009.
I've already got something to deal with -
I've been abstinent all over Christmas - including at my party last night (loads of positive strokes, felt fab) - until -
everyone had either gone home or gone to bed. At 3.30a.m. I was clearing up , happy as Larry. I started tasting things,, licking spoons, ate 3 or 4 crisps, had a small glass of champagne.
So - where did that come from?
Was I rewarding myself for my success???
I know it's not a reward!
Was I being the rebellious child?
Did I do it just because I can?
Did I do it because I knew it wouldn't make me look bigger or fatter (I think so?).
Did I do it because no-one else was around and they wouldn't see?
(old habit).
Terrified I could let myself slip back so easily too.
I have come so far in 2008 - but I realise
I can't get complacent.This is ALWAYS going to be an issue for me.
Oh well, they never said it was easy.
Once an addict -always an addict..........
Went to bed

Thanks so much all, that's definitely given me some "food for thought", so to speak!

I should bring it up in my sessions, but to be honest, they are usually taken over by one girl in particular, and it's just finding the moment to bring up issues. Maybe that's me and my issues, thinking that what I have to say is not as important. Although I feel myself getting a bit irritated by this one girl, as she will talk and talk, but not really listen to what the LLC is saying, so I feel she doesn't move on.

I'm going to make a conscious effort on Monday to bring up two things that have been playing on my mind and see if I can get some answers.

I really appreciate your input and will mull over all you girls have said, so thanks again!

Haha - there is always one isnt there? Oh blimey, I hope its not gonna be me when I join....I will have to try and contain myself if I get a bit over-enthusiastic in the first meeting!

LOL!! Sorry Jazzy, hope I haven't put a bit of a mental stumbling block in your way before your first session and that you won't be worreid about taking part now!!

I think I'm trying to say that maybe I get irritated too for the fact that I won't necessarily speak up easily, and she finds it very easy, so I'm also getting irritated with myself!! I do, however, wish that she'd listen to the response and try and ponder on this instead of repeating the same thing over and over again instead!

God, I sound like a b*tch! Maybe I need to be a bit more tolerant instead!

Ha ha - no you don't! I get annoyed when people like the sound of their voices too much too - especially when they dont listen and stop the rest of us from concentrating!!!

Hi PS. Thats a tough one - there are usually more then one reason we sabotage ourselves. Definatley worth working thru with your LLC.

For me, in the past - if I started to get too close to success, I would do something to spoil it. As long as I kept stumbling, I guess I felt it was OK not to be "perfect". I had an excuse for failure.

If we spend a good amount of time unhappy with ourselves, where most of our thoughts are negative - that becomes the expected emotional state. That makes it easy to get away with a lot of things. Maybe when we start to see our successes, we realise we have to stand up and face the world - there are no more excuses. Maybe that is too scary a prospect so at a subconscious level we trip ourselves up, bnecause we are so used to trying to live in the background, to hide, etc.

I know I could never ever understand what I had ever done wrong to deserve so many dissappointments and set backs but have realised I brought them on myself, sometimes, just because of my negative energy - if I thought bad thoughts, of course I bad things would happen, etc.

Its all very confusing - these heads and inner voices witht heir own agendas.

Let us know how you get on with it. Definately worth delving into.

xx

Thanks BL, makes a lot of sense. I did/do spend a lot of time giving myself a hard time. If I ever talked to anyone, I'd immediately think that they were thinking "fat, fat, fat" and that's all that went through my mind! It was so distracting.

I'd mumble and stumble through my words with certain people, and generally feel grumpy with others. The difference now is that I've a lot more confidence.

I went to the opticians the other day for new glasses and the woman that tested my sight wasn't fat particularly, but I was amazed as I was smaller than her and my thighs were about half the size!! But I wasn't embarrassed about myself in any way and when I was trying frames on and looking in the mirror, I was so not self conscious that it was amazing.

It's just little things like this that I need to keep remembering. And I am worth it, I must be to have put in all this effort and expense, so why would I neglect or abuse myself by overfeeding myself again?

Sorry, just rambling on now, but there must be plenty more where that came from!