icemoose
The Diet Guy
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
