I've spent so many years starting a diet.... That first morning, my head full of I'm going to be skinny quests, trawling the internet for clothes I'm going to wear when I can fit my flab in to skinny size 10 jeans, by the end if day 1, or week one my head turns to thoughts of 'one more day won't hurt, I'll start again tomorrow' Trying to convince myself that it's okay to have that burger because tomorrow is another day. Well tomorrow is still tomorrow 5 years on and I'm still sitting in my room feeling sad, depressed, too ashamed to go out with friends, making excuses not to. Making excuses and eating more junk to try and make my sorry ass feel that bit better. Does it work? No! I chow down on all the junk, chocolate, two sandwiches, and lots lots more. Very quickly! While I'm eating, my mind isn't there, I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. But when I've finished? I feel rotten! Pushing away the laptop with those lovely looking clothes still open in the internet and and crawling under my duvet, where my thoughts turn back to those I had the night before. Wondering why the hell I waste my life. This life is never guaranteed! I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and what would I achieved!? Nothing! Because for the last five years I have pretty much done nothing! I haven't been on a date, I haven't been out on a girls night with my friends, I haven't gone for those job interviews with good pay that I have found. Why!? Because of my weight!!!!! At just under 15 stone and approaching 30 I've done nothing but sit at home and eat to pass the time. Some people reading this will wonder how I can let myself do this, wonder how I can live a life so unfulfilled and how in the last five years when I should have been out with my friends, building relationships and carving a career I can just let life pass me by? The answer.... I don't know! All I know is that I haven't done these things because I am too ashamed of my weight. Okay, at 15 stone and a size 18 I may not be the biggest person in the world, but to me I am! I look back to five years ago when I was in those size ten clothes and happy.... Does being skinny make you happy? Not completely! But being confident in yourself does.... And I was confident when I was skinny, so for me it kind of does! I'm approaching 30 and I live back at home with my parents! While most of my fitness have settled down, got good jobs and parenting their children.... I'm the same age, living at home, no partner and no children.... It's a depressing life to live and a very vicious cycle. I have embarked on Cambridge many times and never made it past day 14.... This diet works. It really does.... But if you stick to it! I dread to think of the amount of money I have wasted on starting and restarting, going to different consultants, but I have to lose this weight! And 2lb a week on weight watchers doesn't work for me. I'm all or nothing! So once again I'm resulting to nothing and starting the plan once more..... Why is this time different? I don't know if it will be! I just hope it is. I want to feel like me again, go out and get that good job. Meet that special guy. Have children. I don't want the fairytale, I just want an ordinary life.... A slim life! I want to feel good about myself. I've never blogged or anything before, so I'm hoping this helps.... I don't know anyone and they don't know me in the real world! So this will be my diary.... Hopefully a successful blog of my journey to lose the 4stone and my journey to self happiness My first day of sole source has started.... Best go drink that water! xoxo