Fighting denial

Well, I'm back. I haven't updated any signatures so it'll all be wrong!

Basically, I'm furious with myself. I've started and stopped so many times and I'm fed up of it! I manage to shut the nagging voice down and just ignore it. I would do thing like have a planned weekend off, and then think "I can't start again on x day because of y reason etc etc".

I think in the world of addictions it's called bargaining. Justifying bad choices and then even kind of believing it. I was going to start JUDDD, then I was going to start healthy eating, then I was going to do this, that and the other and I made carefully detailed plans which I then never acted on.

The fact is, my weight gain has affected much more than my health. I can't stand going out, I developed a habit of drinking to excess just to cope with being in a social situation. I had panic attacks, I would cry before I had to leave the house and I would always be aware of how much I hate my body. I was unable to have a conversation without standing in a way that I could hide it. Holding my bag in front of me and making sure I was wearing baggy clothes.

I've lost friends because I've been so anti social and they've tired of me, I've become very lonely and haven't even seen my family for so long because I'm ashamed. I know for a fact my mum would have something to say about my weight, she always does! I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, and doesn't make a big deal about my weight but I know he worries about how unhappy I am.

I'm on day 2 of a restart, using up my stocks of a cheap but rubbish one before going back to Cambridge.

I feel confident, I bought a swimming costume in a size 16 and as soon as it fits (it's a bit too tight at the mo, I'm between sizes) I'm joining the gym around the corner and going swimming every day after work.

2 days a week I only work 4 hours, so after a couple of months of swimming and the diet I plan to use the gym as well on those days. I'm reluctant to start the gym just yet as I have sore knees, and I need non weight bearing exercise to start with. When I've lost a bit more it'll be less pressure on them.

I feel like my lob is flawless. I am picturing myself in an outfit I used to wear but looking even better (I was a size 12, I want to be a 10) but I'm utterly terrified of falling off the wagon again.

My house is full of crisps and chocolate, and I haven't been tempted. I'm going to spoil myself with non food luxuries that will make me look and feel better, and care about myself again.

I just can't shake that terror that I'm going to mess up again. I'm so scared!

I meant to say 'feel like my plan is flawless'. Not sure what autocorrect is on about!

congrats your taking the first steps to getting your self on track and being happy with yourself, this can be the year to achieve your goals!

one thing from reading your post your mental battle needs to be addressed, its sounding more like a depression to me and i think some sort of counselling might be good for you. our brain can do so much to unravel the plan if we re not careful. prob best just to get comfy with the diet first but the issues will not necessarily go away once x weight is achieved. im a great believer that self worth is not to be found solely by the number on a set of scales

you take care and i wish you all the luck in the world
jxx

Thanks for your reply! You're right about mental health issues! My doctor was useless and although I've moved so could register with a new one, I don't want to go through having a health assessment with a nurse. Mostly because of the weight!

I've also got very large boobs, and would probably qualify for a breast reduction on the NHS. If I'm obese, I'll have to lose weight (which I'm doing) and keep it off for a set length of time before I would qualify. If I wait for the weight loss before addressing my mental health, they won't have records of me weighing anything above that, so the set length of time thing won't apply.

I need to lose 2-3 stone before going to the doctor, which will only take a few months with Cambridge so I'm going to wait it out until then. My mental health is one of the reasons I want to incorporate exercise, it's meant to be a very effective anti depressant!

that sounds like a good plan you ve already got your strategies in place, can feel your pain (from an empathetic point of view only) as i ve a friend in the same boat as you, who is trying to lose weight to get a reduction her back is in chronic pain. so fingers crossed.

with the Cambridge if you can be absolutely rigid in the 1st two weeks any wee slip while not huge to the diet effect are bigger in the head and you will get a cracking loss. that then spurns you on. the forum is great for support so keep posting
jxx

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You've made me a bit tearful!

you just keep on going it can be done
jxx