missjelly
Silver Member
I'm stuck in a circle and can't at the moment see a way out.
I suppose I should really start from the (sort of) beginning.
I lived with Grandparents from birth to about 10 and I was a slim child and always ate slow - too slow really so my grandparents invented the 'who can finish first' game. My Grandfather has always been slim to underweight (5ft 10in and between nearly 7st and just over 10st) my Nan lost over 10st to better her diabetes - she's now 12st (was 26st+ I think)
I then moved back in with my parents - My mother is about the same as she always was at 5ft 6in and 26st and my dad was 6ft 3in and 28st. Neither really cooked as far as I remember so take-aways was a regular occurrence. Weight increased rapidly. I remember thinking in Year 5 or 6 at school (age 9-10) that as nearly 7st I would never put on another pound!
Clearly I did. By the time I was 14 - 16 I weighed around 15st. I don't think I weighed myself for some while so this is a guess but at 18-20 I weighed 20st so it's a good guess.
I tried every diet out there, usually with my Mother but in the end rather than support she tended to join me to sabotage me instead. Many times she tells me she's considerably lighter than me and none of her clothes would come close. There is in fact about a 6size difference but I'm the smaller of the two.
At school I fell in with a group of the 'outsiders' who I still love now because no one has been so caring to me before or after. The problem with this was - as nice as it was - size didn't matter and I wasn't the biggest one in the group. It meant that trying to lose weight seemed irrelevant for a while.
This meant that by the time I left school I was nearly 20st. Then I moved to uni halls. For the first 6months I stuck to a VLCD and dropped to 16st13lbs. Then I got lonely and moved home and gained it all over again.
In Feb 2010 I finally had a gastric band fitted. Between then and Feb 2011 I had dropped from 20st to 14st 13lbs. For the majority of the time period I did really well. I ate slowly for the first time. I ate regularly for the first time. I cut out takeaways full stop. I steamed everything.
In March, my band was over-tightened and I became really ill. At any one 'meal' I could eat no more than half an egg. But the weight dropped off. I lost nearly a stone in a few weeks. Everyone could see I was pale, weak and very ill but to me the weight loss was more important. Eating made me sick everytime and it became a comforting habit.
I finally conceded and has an emergency de-fill. At about the same time (few weeks later) my OH returned from being away. He'd been away from Oct 10 so my weight loss and illness had been tackled by myself without distractions. Since he's been back we are together at all times.
In a way I feel he struggles to understand that as a WLS patient, I am only meant to be able to eat tiny portions. This makes him worry and try to feed me up. Because of this, I eat more. I eat worse. I've gained 12lbs. This gain was in the first month and a half he was back. I have managed to maintain this thus far.
The thought of going back to being 20st or more terrifies me. I eat as much as I can manage for an easy life and to look normal to others. But the result of this is I am sick. I am sick at least 6 times a day. It's become comforting, at least if I'm sick I can eat the same as everyone else but not get bigger.
I also find it exciting when what comes out seems like more than went in. On bad days I starve myself for the day. By night I want to eat loads but am restricted and become frustrated. So I have ordered a whole pizza, garlic bread, sides, pudding and a share bottle of pop. I will sit there on the sofa and on the floor in a row will be food - pop - bucket. I will literally take a few bites, swallow, few swigs, swallow, vomit. I will repeat this until all the food is gone.
I know that eating little and keeping it down will lose me more weight that eating lots and vomiting it up every time. But it's hard. At least this way I'm in control. I have since lied to my dietician on several occasions just so she will send me to have my band tightened a bit more.
I never thought I would stop enjoying food but it's happened. I just want the weight gone.
I suppose I should really start from the (sort of) beginning.
I lived with Grandparents from birth to about 10 and I was a slim child and always ate slow - too slow really so my grandparents invented the 'who can finish first' game. My Grandfather has always been slim to underweight (5ft 10in and between nearly 7st and just over 10st) my Nan lost over 10st to better her diabetes - she's now 12st (was 26st+ I think)
I then moved back in with my parents - My mother is about the same as she always was at 5ft 6in and 26st and my dad was 6ft 3in and 28st. Neither really cooked as far as I remember so take-aways was a regular occurrence. Weight increased rapidly. I remember thinking in Year 5 or 6 at school (age 9-10) that as nearly 7st I would never put on another pound!
Clearly I did. By the time I was 14 - 16 I weighed around 15st. I don't think I weighed myself for some while so this is a guess but at 18-20 I weighed 20st so it's a good guess.
I tried every diet out there, usually with my Mother but in the end rather than support she tended to join me to sabotage me instead. Many times she tells me she's considerably lighter than me and none of her clothes would come close. There is in fact about a 6size difference but I'm the smaller of the two.
At school I fell in with a group of the 'outsiders' who I still love now because no one has been so caring to me before or after. The problem with this was - as nice as it was - size didn't matter and I wasn't the biggest one in the group. It meant that trying to lose weight seemed irrelevant for a while.
This meant that by the time I left school I was nearly 20st. Then I moved to uni halls. For the first 6months I stuck to a VLCD and dropped to 16st13lbs. Then I got lonely and moved home and gained it all over again.
In Feb 2010 I finally had a gastric band fitted. Between then and Feb 2011 I had dropped from 20st to 14st 13lbs. For the majority of the time period I did really well. I ate slowly for the first time. I ate regularly for the first time. I cut out takeaways full stop. I steamed everything.
In March, my band was over-tightened and I became really ill. At any one 'meal' I could eat no more than half an egg. But the weight dropped off. I lost nearly a stone in a few weeks. Everyone could see I was pale, weak and very ill but to me the weight loss was more important. Eating made me sick everytime and it became a comforting habit.
I finally conceded and has an emergency de-fill. At about the same time (few weeks later) my OH returned from being away. He'd been away from Oct 10 so my weight loss and illness had been tackled by myself without distractions. Since he's been back we are together at all times.
In a way I feel he struggles to understand that as a WLS patient, I am only meant to be able to eat tiny portions. This makes him worry and try to feed me up. Because of this, I eat more. I eat worse. I've gained 12lbs. This gain was in the first month and a half he was back. I have managed to maintain this thus far.
The thought of going back to being 20st or more terrifies me. I eat as much as I can manage for an easy life and to look normal to others. But the result of this is I am sick. I am sick at least 6 times a day. It's become comforting, at least if I'm sick I can eat the same as everyone else but not get bigger.
I also find it exciting when what comes out seems like more than went in. On bad days I starve myself for the day. By night I want to eat loads but am restricted and become frustrated. So I have ordered a whole pizza, garlic bread, sides, pudding and a share bottle of pop. I will sit there on the sofa and on the floor in a row will be food - pop - bucket. I will literally take a few bites, swallow, few swigs, swallow, vomit. I will repeat this until all the food is gone.
I know that eating little and keeping it down will lose me more weight that eating lots and vomiting it up every time. But it's hard. At least this way I'm in control. I have since lied to my dietician on several occasions just so she will send me to have my band tightened a bit more.
I never thought I would stop enjoying food but it's happened. I just want the weight gone.