**Blue_grapefruit** Week 10 WI

I've thought a lot about posting this.

I joined minis a long time ago and I feel shame that I'm still not only fat, but have gained approx 3st since I joined. I've failed at CD a lot. I've started and restarted, and can't tell you how much I believe that the first time is the golden time. I was a big poster in the past with a good group of close friends, I called this forum home. A huge loss made me practically reclusive and I lost touch with dear friends, and I feel ashamed to slink back in and admit that I'm fat and want another chance.

I've never done LL. I'm massively attracted to the counselling aspect and to be honest even if I didn't lose weight I would be more than willing to pay the weekly amount to talk to some like minded people about the issues that surround weight problems. Still, I want to lose weight for me.I'm crap at dieting. If it was any other hobby I would have given up and moved on, so why the hell am I still attempting to diet?

Rules, I can stick to rules but I'm so impatient. I'm lucky enough to be pretty at any size (so far, that sounds big headed but I know I'm not really ugly) and so I've never felt the despair of self hatred. I've been uncomfortable, hot, sweaty, gross etc but I've never felt self loathing. I think this is a big problem for me, I have a good life, a very special marriage and amazing relationship with my husband, a close family, we are comfortable with money, a lovely home, and a good job. I'm not exaggerating when I say that my biggest problem is my weight. As this diary is for me, it's time I'm honest with myself. I make excuse after excuse for my weight, but ultimately I'm eating for a reason right?

My aim on this journey is to find out WHY I eat. Is it a comfort thing? Have I got myself into a vicious cycle of comfort eating, not exercising and putting on weight? I don't put on weight quickly, I'm definitely a creeper (ahahha!) when it comes to weight gain. Boredom is a big reason I think, and portion size. My tall husband has a scarily efficient metabolism and even though he is 16" taller than me we tend to have the same sort of size meals - how bad is that!

Another thing I'm not doing this time, the final time is dieting for any other reason than for myself. Before it has been for my DH, for my graduation, for an anniversary, for a wedding. I want to lose weight cos I want to. I'm not comfortable being this size. I am happy, but I know I can be happier. I'm worried about my health at this size. I KNOW it makes sense to get rid of it while I'm young (ish) because my life is only just beginning. I'm in control of my situation, I am an adult, and I chose to do this for myself.

God, it's worth doing it just to get over the hassle of holiday clothes. I love going away. Short breaks, spa, lovely! It's so difficult to get lovely clothes I feel comfortable in and there's no way I'm comfortable in bathing costumes etc.

I'm waffling on, I just want to get things down.


I start monday xx

Woohooo grapie girl is back

*HUGS*

:hug99:

So pleased to see you here.

Hope LL is perfect for you

Irene xx

Hello
Welcome to LL. If you get a good counsellor LL could be just what you are looking for if you REALLY want to lose weight.
It's the fastest way and the pyschology aspect is what made the difference for me.
I can relate to many of the things you say about yourself. After I had started LL I realised that I had been kidding myself along with everyone else that I was fat and happy and happy to be fat - turned out not to be true at all.
I had previously thought I was quite tuned in and self-aware, but it is amazing how much you can kid yourself.
Good luck. I look forward to seeing how you get on.
:welcome2:

Hun!
I can so understand what you're going through. I was a returner once too. I also was ashamed, disappointed and discouraged.
But hey, look at you, you came back and you are willing to try again!
THAT is the most important thing! You have not given up the fight. The fire is still within you!
LL is by far the best weight loss program in the world. Period.
It makes the world of difference to be able to tackle the root of the problem and get counselling for it.
I'd urge you to have a read through our diaries and other posts. There are so many of us on here, who struggled just like you and fight with themselves (and the world) every single day.
Those people are a true inspiration and they remind me every day that I'm not on my own. That I CAN do it!
Good luck hun and honestly, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You should be proud!

Starlight said:

Woohooo grapie girl is back

*HUGS*

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Sandiferous :hug99::hug99:

HelenG said:

:hug99:

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Another familiar face :hug99:

IreneH said:

So pleased to see you here.

Hope LL is perfect for you

Irene xx

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Hello lovely Irene, thank you xxx :hug99::hug99:

slendablenda said:

Hello
Welcome to LL. If you get a good counsellor LL could be just what you are looking for if you REALLY want to lose weight.
It's the fastest way and the pyschology aspect is what made the difference for me.
I can relate to many of the things you say about yourself. After I had started LL I realised that I had been kidding myself along with everyone else that I was fat and happy and happy to be fat - turned out not to be true at all.
I had previously thought I was quite tuned in and self-aware, but it is amazing how much you can kid yourself.
Good luck. I look forward to seeing how you get on.
:welcome2:

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The infamous slendablenda! You are trully inspirational lovely! I have been doing some stalking, forgive me You SHOULD look forward, cos I'm gunna kick my own butt! Watch this space! :hug99::hug99:

magiclove said:

Hun!
I can so understand what you're going through. I was a returner once too. I also was ashamed, disappointed and discouraged.
But hey, look at you, you came back and you are willing to try again!
THAT is the most important thing! You have not given up the fight. The fire is still within you!
LL is by far the best weight loss program in the world. Period.
It makes the world of difference to be able to tackle the root of the problem and get counselling for it.
I'd urge you to have a read through our diaries and other posts. There are so many of us on here, who struggled just like you and fight with themselves (and the world) every single day.
Those people are a true inspiration and they remind me every day that I'm not on my own. That I CAN do it!
Good luck hun and honestly, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You should be proud!

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Lovely lovely post! Thank you so much! I'm cringing about restarting, but I'll soon share some BAD BAD pics with you all and my shame will fly out the window. Than you for your words, they mean a lot to me :hug99::hug99:

Anytime hun! We are here for you!

"SHAME" Blue Grapefruit!!!!!!!!!!!
I can do that -big time! Look at my "before" pic.
I spent yesterday evening in a Chinese Restaurant celebrating the 50th. birthday of my friend's chappie.
It was at his house that before photo of mine was taken.
SHAME SHAME SHAME.
When I asked my friend if she had a "before" photo of me (because I had hidden from the camera for years) she said
"do you really want it? before I send it -........ SHAME!

And half way through the evening last night I realised I was
wearing a size 10 Monsoon mini dress with velvet high heeled evening boots and feeling good, furthermore - I had moved round the table and was sharing a chair with my friend while I chatted.
SHAME fell away for a while. I felt PROUD - and didn't mind when
they asked me to lift my leg up to show the boots and the restaurant guy said - ......................................
wait for it ..............................
"nice legs" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Moi darling !!!!
NOW try and tell me LL isn't the greatest.

That, is what I'd call an epic post!!!

:talk017:

(You got me welling up! xx)

Your post really struck a chord for me: about being basically very happy, but realising I actually wasn't that happy about my weight. I think lighter life is wonderful; the counselling is at least half of why, and the forever- available free maintenance programme too. Well done for coming here. That took courage. And wishing you so much luck. You won't need luck, you will need self-belief, but you WILL get where you want to be if you are in the right frame of mind. Looking forward to following your journey!!

Hello Blue Grapefruit!

Your post was so honest and open, I wish you all the best on Monday, you sound like your in the exact right place to do LL and I do believe you will be very successful!
What hit me most about your post was when you said that before you've always dieted for something/someone e.g DH, wedding, graduation and now your doing it for yourself. I never realised before but when I started LL it was my decision, previously i'd done diets because my parents wanted me to lose weight or a friend had made a nasty comment, and now I realise why my time on LL has been so successful...because I actually did it for myself!! So remember that, do it for yourself
I look forward to seeing your face round here more often

Good luck!
xxxxx

Spanglymum said:

Your post really struck a chord for me: about being basically very happy, but realising I actually wasn't that happy about my weight. I think lighter life is wonderful; the counselling is at least half of why, and the forever- available free maintenance programme too. Well done for coming here. That took courage. And wishing you so much luck. You won't need luck, you will need self-belief, but you WILL get where you want to be if you are in the right frame of mind. Looking forward to following your journey!!

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Thank you Spangly (great username btw!), perked me up this morning to log on and read your post xx

hanmac said:

Hello Blue Grapefruit!

Your post was so honest and open, I wish you all the best on Monday, you sound like your in the exact right place to do LL and I do believe you will be very successful!
What hit me most about your post was when you said that before you've always dieted for something/someone e.g DH, wedding, graduation and now your doing it for yourself. I never realised before but when I started LL it was my decision, previously i'd done diets because my parents wanted me to lose weight or a friend had made a nasty comment, and now I realise why my time on LL has been so successful...because I actually did it for myself!! So remember that, do it for yourself
I look forward to seeing your face round here more often

Good luck!
xxxxx

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Thank you lovely! I think it's important that I want to do this for me. It's not about being pressured. I mean I wanted to lose weight for my wedding, I did lose weight but not much and I still had a fantastic day and felt good in my dress.

I will defo remember, I am doing it for myself xxx

On New years day I went to see a LL counsellor for the first time. It was 12pm, and it felt right. When she initially offered me the appointment and said it was for new years day I was instantly in shock thinking that yes, I want to start in the new year but 12pm on new years day is a bit too in the middle of the usual lie in, aka sleeping off a major hangover.

If I want to change my life, I have to start changing.

I took the appointment, set my alarm, didn't overindulge on NYE and got there with plenty of time to spare. The first thing I noticed was how down to earth the leader was. There was another girl there too and it was a lovely room filled with comfortable furniture, very stylish and modern and almost homely. I made my introductions, got weighed and measured (eek!) and sat down for a chat, to watch a DVD and for a quick Q&A session.

It was fantastic, J (the leader) was so refreshingly honest and has actually lost a hell of a lot of weight herself. She's still slim too, it might be shallow of me but I think dieting leaders should inspire you and be slim - well she certainly did that. Her before and after pics look like totally different people and there was a pic up of her involved in a photoshoot in November and she looked FAB. She said how management was the most important stage of weight loss, and so many things she said rang true to me. I should have taken notes! The most memorable thing she said was:

We aren't addicted to food, we are addicted to making ourselves feel better.

Certainly don't care if this was spoken by someone else first, it's wholly inspirational hearing it from someone who KNOWS how I feel about myself, my weight and my issues with food. I had to get a form signed by the doctor to say I'm healthy enough to do the diet plan side of it and I am apprehensive about it because they might ask some questions etc.

The program comes with a lot of counselling and self help techniques and I'm so looking forward to it. I don't ever talk about my weight and I get very upset quickly about it. It will be interesting to hear other people in the same situation talk about their feelings, their problems, and what excuses they have used in the past.

By now I've gotten my form signed, and the doctor I've been seeing lately didn't charge me and is actually interested in the diet himself! Perhaps I can go back in a few months and inspire him.

I really want to succeed, I want to feel good about myself. I want to be the wife Oli deserves. Although I'm not happy being fat, I am happy. I refuse to be told that I'm miserable etc. That isn't who I am. I'm the girl who sings in work, who laughs a lot, who is always smiling. I'm not crying on the inside. I'm overweight, I'm lucky enough to be able to seperate the two things.

My happiness does not depend on the scales. I'm repeating myself here, but it's so important to me. Anyone who has met me will know I'm smiley and happy. It's not a cover up, or a lie.

I'm losing weight to be comfortable, and because I want to. Not because it will "lead me to happiness". I LOVE the quote in my signature, I can't think of anything more true x

Blue Grapefruit

Wow - I have been taking all morning catching up on everyones more than inspirational diaries and it's so funny how I bet at some point we have all felt alone in our weight journey through life!!!

Apart from work - my life too is pretty good!! I have always been the rolly polly queen, everyones best friend and comic of the crowd!! I thought it was my cover up and some ex friends actually said they liked me better fatter - jealous I know - but I have suddenly discovered that my LL journey isn't about other people - I want to stop the vicious cycle of food = happiness cus I know it doesn't - and I wanna find the real me?!?!

Hope that makes sense - I'm so excited about what I'll discover and look forward to sharing it with u all x x

Good luck Hun - and I'll be an avid viewer of ur diary x x x

lauraandy said:

Blue Grapefruit

Wow - I have been taking all morning catching up on everyones more than inspirational diaries and it's so funny how I bet at some point we have all felt alone in our weight journey through life!!!

Apart from work - my life too is pretty good!! I have always been the rolly polly queen, everyones best friend and comic of the crowd!! I thought it was my cover up and some ex friends actually said they liked me better fatter - jealous I know - but I have suddenly discovered that my LL journey isn't about other people - I want to stop the vicious cycle of food = happiness cus I know it doesn't - and I wanna find the real me?!?!

Hope that makes sense - I'm so excited about what I'll discover and look forward to sharing it with u all x x

Good luck Hun - and I'll be an avid viewer of ur diary x x x

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Hey sweety,

That's the beauty of minimins, we're all here for the same reason. Whether we are needing to lose weight, on our journey or ending our journey, we know exactly how it feels to be big. Even those who leave (like me!) gravitate back here, it's the one place that I will announce that my BMI is 38, I haven't even told my family!

It sounds like we are pretty similar! Are you doing LL? When do you start? Thank you so much for stopping by xxxx

Hey back x x x

Yeah I'm doing LL for the 2nd time!! I really feel like I need to stop eating - period!! This is why LL has previously been so easy!! But the counselling I always found to be so invaluable!! The group activities all depend on the type of group member but I think I will find the chat on here just as constructive!!

I have lied about my weight to myself and my family for years!! Even when I lost weight I told them I was about 2 stone lighter than I actually was!! I thought I was happy - but then lied - so it was a total contradiction of terms!!

My Fiancée has never said a word about my weight and in hindsight I wish he had - it was a harsh realisation 3 yrs ago before my first LL experience and it really knocked me for six?!

How do your family feel about u found LL?! X x x

Well my husband and mother are all for it. They know I struggle with weight, I always have, but they are naturally slim people and they don't use food in any way like I do. I won't tell them how much I weigh because I don't like the thought that they think it is gross - plus my mother is a worrier and will worry about things like blood pressure (which is textbook) and cholesterol etc.

I'm looking forward to cutting food out of my life, I think it will give me a chance to concentrate on other things, and will help me identify my triggers. I've made a solemn vow (lol) to not cheat, but I know there will be situations where I am close to breaking - being alone in the evenings, being bored in work, late at night, evenings...so instead I will go bath or write in my journal or come on here, msn, anything just to get through the "need" to cheat.

I've known I am starting tomorrow for 9 days, and I've prepared mentally. I've taken my bedroom apart and cleaned like never before, and I'm dying to get my filing cabinet sorted. It's weird, it's like I'm subconsciously sorting myself out. I like it

I know exactly what u mean!!!

I am day 4 in to refreshers and have never felt like cheating as much as I have this weekend!! - but stayed strong with similar tactics - baths, painting the whole families nails etc!! It really works!

Distraction is the key - I have just been for a tootle about in my car - I'm hoping to go walking and exercising eventually but I'm too publicly body conscious to do that yet?!!

My mother also sounds similar. she would harp on about heart disease etc til she was blue in the face and that would only lead to stress between us - so they know my target dress size- and that's where it ends!!

For my OH I have educated him in dress sizes by giving him famous people to compare me to - so he knows my target is a cross between - Holly Willoughby and Ferne Cotton!! That makes sense to him!!

So r u only doing it for 9 days? X x

Sorry, I mean I have known that Monday would be my start day 9 days ago, I've had 9 days to prepare myself. I need to lose about 5 and a half stones, so I reckon at least 6 months!

Weekends are hard aren't they. Friday is so difficult. I've decided that Friday will become film night and Saturday will be a pamper day of some sorts with nails, eyebrows, waxing, etc.

Don't be body concious, especially in the gym. My experiences in the gym is that everyone is so busy concentrating on themselves, or watching themselves in the mirror that they don't notice the people around them! xxx