Oldest Memories

All of us following the SW plan have food issues - maybe we eat for comfort or when we are stressed, maybe we eat just cause we love food, what ever it is, it's my belief that those issues had to start from somewhere.

I began putting weight on as a small child, pictures show me from the age of 3 deffinately more podgy than the other kids. I can't remember my weight being an issue to me then but I guess I was too young to even know I was different to the other kids.

Things started to go wrong for me, as far as I remember at around the age of 7. I used to get picked on really badly at school cause of my size and for what ever reason my mum thought the solution to that was to put me on a diet and send me to school with little more than a ryveta and an apple for a packed lunch - I clearly remember pinching pennys (actually dirhams cause we lived in dubai) and sneaking to the shop to buy sweets which were a huge no no in our house. I remember so clearly the day I decided I was going to have a school lunch, mmmm apple crumble and custard. I told my teacher I'd forgotten my lunch and she sent me off to the dining room along with the other kids. Just as I reached the front of the queue my mum appeared with my ryvetas to 'save' the day, I was so disappointed. The bullying got worse to the point where I got pulled out of the school and was sent to boarding school. Despite being overweight I was quite fit, always playing hockey and so on. My mum continued to have her influence on my diet even though I was in a different country to her - I was singled out even in the dining hall as due to my weight I was forbidden to have the lovely deserts that came every day after the main course. I was allowed to leave the dining hall and go and do piano practise so I did n't have to sit and watch them eat the puddings. On top of that, we used to have 50p a week to spend in the school tuckshop - I was n't allowed mine - till this day I clearly remember the shame of being singled out and excluded like that. This was my earliest memory of weight issues. The sad thing is, that in my mind and along with what my mum told me, I was huge when I went to boarding school but recent pictures that were found in a friends mothers house after she died, showed me big but not as big as my memory serves me and I feel a bit cheated by that. My next memory is of my mum putting me on the cambridge diet during school holidays when I was no more than 10 or 11. I do not believe that these things helped with my weight issues but infact made things a whole lot worse - I could go on and on about different things I went through as a child that I feel contributed to my weight issues of today but it won't solve things - I just know now is the time to change my whole life and my whole relationship with food, quite simply I have to otherwise in another 5 years I'll be one of those people that are so big they are confined to their beds and life is on a huge downward spiral. I've got 6 children, I intend to be around to see all of them married and provide me with grandchildren (one or two each thanks kids, can't knit that many baby blankets if you have more than that lol)

Hi Alia, I found that ^^ post very interesting, not because I have any particular issues with food (I just like it too much!), but because of one of your other posts I also read - the one where you talked about getting up at 3 am to check on your housework etc. Both of them have the theme of control - when you were young your Mum controlled you and now you're carrying on that control, but in a different way. Your childhood has obviously had a huge impact on you, as I guess it does on all of us.

I have no psychiatric training or anything like that, but the control issue just screamed at me!! I think it'll take a lot for you to get over that, but I'm sure you can do it, specially with the help of all the other lovely people on here!! xxxx :hug99:

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Alia said:

and for what ever reason my mum thought the solution to that was to put me on a diet and send me to school with little more than a ryveta and an apple for a packed lunch - I clearly remember pinching pennys (actually dirhams cause we lived in dubai) and sneaking to the shop to buy sweets which were a huge no no in our house.

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That's the same as my mam did. I used to get laughed at for it and although I wasn't bullied like you were, what little self esteem I had died. I also stole money to buy sweets and crisps as again they were a complete no no. To this day my mam still goes on about my weight, to the point where my husband has told her to shut up.

I love my mam to bits and I'm not blaming her for me being this weight, but maybe if she had done things differently it wouldn't have taken years and years to build some confidence back up in myself and I might not have had the relationship with food that I have now.

I have done things completely differently with my stepsons - nothing is denied to them and they are now not at all bothered about eating crisps and sweets and junk food because they aren't 'sinful' or a treat or anything like that to them.

Here's a poem that was on a mates facebook page... it's so true (well in my case). I think it's by someone called Phillip Larkin;
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats

Mine started about 5 years ago, before that I was a size 10. With my pregnancies, I had something called hyperemesis, which is severe debilitating nausea and vomiting ALL the way through. I lost 20lbs in my first trimester and was in and out of hospital for IV fluids because I couldn't even keep water down, much less food. The moment I had my daughter, the sickness went away, and I gauged on food because I'd barely eaten for 9 months. But 7 month later, I found out I was pregnant again and so went back to being sick all the time. Again when my 2nd daughter was born I ate everything and anything, and low and behold 5 months later I was pregnant with my son. His pregnancy was worse than the other two because I had lots of health problems on top of the constant throwing up (which was 25+ times a day), SPD, continuous chest infections, and my waters broke at 29 weeks. I was put on bed rest, which of course meant eating whatever my body would let me...which usually meant something that was bad for me, because I was so bored. I ended up having my son at 32 weeks. He was in SCBU for 5 weeks and had problems feeding, which obviously put a huge stress on us, and I was eating on the run, between going home to change, and darting back to the hospital (which was 45 minutes away), so more often than not would stop at a drive thru or something on the way. Once he was home, I kidded myself that I deserved to eat because I'd barely eaten for 3 years straight, so I ate and ate, and it was all high fat or high sugar foods. Chocolate and crisps were a vice and the weight piled on and on and still I kidded myself that it was ok because I loved my food and I wasn't that big.

My then fiance (now hubby) had a stroke in may last year, which was a huge strain on me and the kids, he still has health problems related to the stroke and so I am his official carer. He can still walk and do small things, but he's not allowed to cook, incase his arm stops working, I have to help him get dressed, and do most of the housework etc. Only now am I starting to get a handle on things, and managing better, looking after 3 kids and my hubby, hence feeling the time is right to do something about my weight.

Lots of things hit home with me while reading this thread.

I remember going for a bath one Sunday night, bathnights were always sundays, I would have been about 8/9 years old and my mum walking in the bathroom and poking me in the stomach and saying "you're getting fat", and I said "Its not fat, its puppy poo", meaning puppy fat but getting my words muddled. She thought this was the funniest thing and would regularly regale her friends with this story, whereas I was just confused with why it mattered. She was a big emotional binger, would often come home with huge bags of chocolate, plough her way through it. Then she would decide to lose weight and virtually starve herself for a few months till she was like a stick again.

She struck again with the harsh comments when I was 16 and I had lost my grandad. He was the closest thing I had to a dad (my own left when I was a baby, and my stepdad was harsh at the best of times, quite clearly and obviously preferring his own son (my younger half-brother) to me.)

Anyhoo, digressing, I was 16, in age, and probably skirt size by then, and he had died. She came up to me one day and said "You know, your grandad would have wanted you to be thin". I was FURIOUS. How dare she tell me what HE would have wanted for me. If anything, he would have wanted me to be happy. From then, I absolutely gave up caring what I ate and stuffed all the wrong things down me constantly. I was a pro at emotional eating anyway by then, having learnt from the master.

I think I have said this before elsewhere on the board, but it has taken me till now to realise that he would have wanted me to be HEALTHY and happy. I dont actually think he would have minded what weight I was as long as I was happy and healthy with it. But that one stupid comment from her set me on a path to dangerous levels of obesity. I am INCREDIBLY careful what I say to my kids in terms of self image and esteem now. I never want them to feel the way I did, or have the relationship with food that I had.

Hi Alia

That was quite spooky Reading your post just now. My Mum's treatment of me as a child was almost identical - I too was put on the Cambridge Diet at age 10

My mother has massive issues with food herself and was borderline anorexic when I hit early teens. For her, the idea o being fat was (and still is) worse than death, and for as long as I can remember she has defined my worth in terms of whether I am thin or not. This has had a massively crushing effect on my self esteem which has so far taken nearly 3 years of on/off psychotherapy to unravel.

Like you, I totally accept that my Mum probably had my best interests at heart. However I have learnt from a lot of specialists in eating disorders (whether anorexia, bulimia, binging or overeating) that there is a huge correlation between mothers and daughters in this area that is not coincidental.

In my own case the therapists think I probably ate to spite my mother and take some control back - or to try to prove to myself that I was still loveable despite my mother's view of my appearance. Obviously I can't be sure of any of this.

But don't underestimate the effect mothers can have on weight and attitudes to food. It's massive.

Helen

Thank you all for being so frank an honest in this thread... It's nice to know that i'm not alone in how my bad relationship with food has been formed.


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MadameLaMinx said:

Lots of things hit home with me while reading this thread.

I remember going for a bath one Sunday night, bathnights were always sundays, I would have been about 8/9 years old and my mum walking in the bathroom and poking me in the stomach and saying "you're getting fat", and I said "Its not fat, its puppy poo", meaning puppy fat but getting my words muddled. She thought this was the funniest thing and would regularly regale her friends with this story, whereas I was just confused with why it mattered. She was a big emotional binger, would often come home with huge bags of chocolate, plough her way through it. Then she would decide to lose weight and virtually starve herself for a few months till she was like a stick again.

She struck again with the harsh comments when I was 16 and I had lost my grandad. He was the closest thing I had to a dad (my own left when I was a baby, and my stepdad was harsh at the best of times, quite clearly and obviously preferring his own son (my younger half-brother) to me.)

Anyhoo, digressing, I was 16, in age, and probably skirt size by then, and he had died. She came up to me one day and said "You know, your grandad would have wanted you to be thin". I was FURIOUS. How dare she tell me what HE would have wanted for me. If anything, he would have wanted me to be happy. From then, I absolutely gave up caring what I ate and stuffed all the wrong things down me constantly. I was a pro at emotional eating anyway by then, having learnt from the master.

I think I have said this before elsewhere on the board, but it has taken me till now to realise that he would have wanted me to be HEALTHY and happy. I dont actually think he would have minded what weight I was as long as I was happy and healthy with it. But that one stupid comment from her set me on a path to dangerous levels of obesity. I am INCREDIBLY careful what I say to my kids in terms of self image and esteem now. I never want them to feel the way I did, or have the relationship with food that I had.

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Oh my goodness madame, that was really moving to read and I'm so sorry that you were made to feel that way for such a long time.

Of course your grandfather wanted you to be happy, weight or size does n't come into it and it was really quite cruel for your mother to have made you think otherwise as it's clearly had a lasting effect on you for such a long time. Things that are said flippantly can really cause huge issues but often its not realised at the time.

You are doing fantastic on your journey now and its great that you are taking the time to understand your relationship with food - its quite a painful thing to have to do and thank you so much for baring your soul so honestly

Alia xxx

Mine started from a very young age, around 7 i think. Me and dad had a very bad marriage and they hated each other in the run up to them finally separting. If my dad was at home my mum was out and vice versa. My dad was trying to keep the house going and keep his head above water in regards to money etc. However i found then a huge feeling of abdonement from my mother as she basically ignored i was there which left the caring to my dad. I become very close to my dad but he very rarly told me loved me or showed me affection. I knew he loved me he did everything for me but showing me was very hard, the way he did was buying me sweets, making cakes for me and giving me 5 pound here and then to go to the shop for sweets, This is where comfort and the wrong foods starting to cross together and the next 24 years was sealed for me. I then put on a steady amount of weight on till i got to 11 and i was a very overweight child. I was a size 16 and 11 years old. Till my auntie said to me one day omg Heidi your getting very fat. I broke my heart, my dad went mad but then realised that he had to help me somehow, He spoke to a friend whos wife was going to slimming class at the time it was called slimtone and the lady who run it was lovely which helped loads. I went from13 stone 10 down to 11 stone 4, still got my card today lol. I felt fab and healthy, I become quite popular in school then with boys and new friends. I always looked older than what i was so by the time i hit fifteen i started going to pubs and clubs getting away with being eighteen. This is when it started going down hill. Still craving attention of others because of feeling unloved. I went out craving that attention but this time drinking and eating like never before by the time i was 21 i was back to a size 16 and was weighing around 13 stone again. I got myself into a bad relationship and eat even worse and went up to 15 stone. This is when i felt the courage to leave and then i met my husband and we went on to have two daughters but i did take some control to stop it getting any worse and went from anything from 15 stone to 16 stone and back again. Now i have developed scatica in my back and have hit my thirties. I see my husband really worried for my health and i dont know somehting has changed in me. I know i can do it now, get the weight off for good. Always helps that i have dealt with the past, A past that has seen me without a mother in my life and a dad who passed away three years ago. I have no family as such except my husband and two daughters and i so want to spend the rest of my days happy and healthy. I have now let go of the past and now need to leave the feelings and the consquences that came with it and leave it there in the past and start the rest of my life.

Pinksparklybirdy said:

Hi Alia

That was quite spooky Reading your post just now. My Mum's treatment of me as a child was almost identical - I too was put on the Cambridge Diet at age 10

My mother has massive issues with food herself and was borderline anorexic when I hit early teens. For her, the idea o being fat was (and still is) worse than death, and for as long as I can remember she has defined my worth in terms of whether I am thin or not. This has had a massively crushing effect on my self esteem which has so far taken nearly 3 years of on/off psychotherapy to unravel.

Like you, I totally accept that my Mum probably had my best interests at heart. However I have learnt from a lot of specialists in eating disorders (whether anorexia, bulimia, binging or overeating) that there is a huge correlation between mothers and daughters in this area that is not coincidental.

In my own case the therapists think I probably ate to spite my mother and take some control back - or to try to prove to myself that I was still loveable despite my mother's view of my appearance. Obviously I can't be sure of any of this.

But don't underestimate the effect mothers can have on weight and attitudes to food. It's massive.

Helen

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Strangely enough my mother really does n't have issues with food. She's probably a stone overweight at that which for a 66 year old is n't bad. I've realised it is about her having control and she controls so many different areas of my life even from a disatance.

Even now at the age of 36 I can't argue with her, even if I don't agree with what she is saying - I just let her prattle on nodding as she goes along - she tells me how to raise my kids, how to discipline them, tells me how to behave in my marriage even with my weight loss she tries. I don't think that she does it with any malice I truely belive that she cares and despite everything I love her dearly. Despite being seperated from my father for a long time when he became very ill with a brain tumour she brought him up to Leeds and nursed him till he passed away - I will be eternally greatful to her for making his last few months enjoyable and for her love and devotion to him as he passed away - She did then control his funeral I have to say and he was cremated rather than buried and that makes me really sad as in my religion cremation is n't allowed but then again I suppose it was about what he wanted even though he left no instructions of what he wanted for his funeral.

I love my mother dearly but she played a huge part in my weight issues - everything nice was banned in our house and if I succummed to the sweet stuff I was made to feel so repulsed by what I had done that I almost felt unclean. I so remember binges as a teenager and hiding wrappers all over my bedroom which she always found and would make a point of telling me off about it infront of my brother who btw was like a stick, and my father.

I've put all those things to the side now, she's succumming a bit to old age, I have no other family accept my brother who lives 6 hours away by car and we are not close in the slightest - I had a miscarriage about 6 months ago, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry for my miscarriage and he understood how i felt (how I dont know), have n't spoken or heard from him since.

You are doing so well Helen and its so good that we are reckognising our demons now ((hugs))

Alia xxx

Thanks Alia. It took me a long long time to get perspective on my relationship with my mother, I won't bore you with the details but I could write a book and possibly the sequel on how to survive in a dysfunctional family, to the point where I could take no more of the pressure of that relationship and had to take myself out of it, for my own sanity. We were estranged for five years, which gave me the time and distance to be able to break the control she had over me and become my own person. I feel sorry for her now, she had so many issues of her own and I was expected to not only accept them, but take care of them for her. She wanted me to suffer just like she was. I really don't think she realised it at the time. We get on much better now since I broke that hold she had over me. I was always terrified of turning into her, that I would run away from commitment for fear of becoming so controlling and needy.

It took me a long time to get my head around the fact that I am not her, and have choices in my own life and responsibilities to myself and my husband and family that I not only treasure but relish. I was incredibly fortunate to find a man who accepted me for who I was, who understands me so completely and who has been nothing other than supportive and loving while I work out who I am, the real me, and not the muted and subdued me that has been hiding behind "issues" and a wall of protective lard a mile high. Sometimes the new me scares me and wants me to get back behind the wall, but it is at times like that where I have to give myself a talking to, and get some perspective about just exactly what I have achieved. I don't think the battle is by any means won, but it gets a lot easier, the more blocks I pull down.

Some really interesting and touching stories being told here -its amazing how far back these things start isn't it!!!
My earliest memory is a little different -but I still know that is pretty much where my weight issue started

My dad had a couple of strokes in his early 20s (well before I was born) -anyway it meant that by the time I came along -the last of 5, my mum went out to work and dad stayed at home, which was unusual back then -but I loved it -anyway I remember before I even started school -my thursdays would go like this:-

• up for brekkie -4 slices white bread with bacon and tomato sauce and a mug of tea with sugar
• off to the post office -packet of rolos or a 1/4 of merry maids
• up town to do a bit of shopping -sat in a cafe having a HUGE cheese n tomato cob -tea with sugar
• back down town -stopping off at the bakery for a sausage roll or pastie each -this would be eaten at mammas house as we visited on the way home... ooh don't forget the mug of tea -oh and some "jamboree" biccies
• back home and now it was lunch time

I wasn't even 5 at this point -but I would alway match my dad -always wanted the same as him .


Mum was a great cook -so it was home made bread and pies -sunday dinners were always:-

• roast
• 5lb potatoes -mashed
• 5lb potatoes roast
• yorky pud
• loads of veg

then of course -mums home made puds :drool: -with 4pt of custard .
The strange thing is that I never remember being told to "clear my plate" but I think that might be because I didn't need telling :8855:
Anyway -until I went to school I was a tiny little elfin thing..... mum still reckons part of that is down to the fact that home mum made everything from scratch -school introdced me to processed stuff (which is why I avoid it as much as possible now )

the other main memory I have relating to food is quite different and was a conscious thing. I lost my dad on my 16th birthday, just before xmas -and i remember my mum and 1 sis being unable to eat because of the grief. I actually decided in my strange logic that " I will eat" because that would mean -I was fine and not grieving .... and so I did just that....eat eat eat

Hand on heart now I have dealt with my demons -and know that the only thing behind my weight is a love of food, greed and lazyness.......... still I think I have it in hand now -well at least Im heading in the right direction
Sorry for the "war and peace" epic
I hope everyone else can come to terms with their "ghosts" and get a good relationship with food..
Keep at it folks-we WILL get there