Gemma's journey to management

So the day has come where I officially begin RTM. Having already had 2 planned meals the past 2 weeks eating will not be a totally new experience to me, but am looking forward to getting started. I have got my chicken or Salmon and salad for tonight and will follow one of the RTM recipes, only got my books yesterday so have not had chance to really look at them yet.

I can't believe that I am here, this time has flown by and I am full of excitement and anxiety at the same time. I know for me this forum has been pivotal in helping me and so I will be here, trying to post daily if I can to keep me on track.

Thanks to all those who have helped me so far, I am hoping you will still be around to help me over the next 12 weeks where there will be lots of learning to be done!

Wish me luck people, here's the first baby steps to the rest of my life, maintaining a healthy weight and attitude to food, no small task, but one we can all do.

well first meal over, it was lovely, and felt natural to me. Was great to sit at the table and start implementing new routines. I had chicken breast that I had poached in mustard and balsamic vinegar, it was lovely and something I would never have eaten before. I savoured every mouthful and was feeding my son as well as myself and enjoyed knowing we were both eating good and healthy food. I also had salad leaves, cucumber, pepper and onion with my chicken. Didn't realise I wasn't meant to have those things, enjoyed them anyway and no guilt for once!

As I had already had 2 meals, it didn't feel too strange. I also had jelly today, I had 2, didn't need the 2nd one but had it anyway, thought logs to follow!

Wrote my letter to myself, so different from my first letter, much more positive and happy. It was great to look over my foundation book and see my goals I set, all bar completing RTM now reached and it felt good to read that and remember where I have come from. Spent a long time looking over the RTM book and feel better equipped now. Not sure what to have tomorrow, will have salad leaves again and not sure if I will add in the other bits, will decide tomorrow.

Day 1 over, and I feel my negativity I was feeling towards the end of abstinence has now lifted, I feel this is right and where I should be. I am committed to seeing this through for 12 weeks, learning on my way and enjoy my LLC and learning as much from her as I can.

Day 1 = a success.

so day 2 was fun! I did ok generally. Had 2 jelly's enjoyed them. Ate prawns and salad leaves for dinner, stopped when I was full, was amazing to feel that and notice it and stop! So empowering. However about 1 hour later I saw some yogurt in the fridge that I had brought ready for next week and had 3 mouthfuls. I desired it and ate it.. a moment of 'weakness.' I felt dreadful afterwards, but really did enjoy the taste, I've built my bridge and I'm over it (thanks for that SB ). I keep jumping ahead of myself and I'm frustrated at that, however it wasn't a disaster, I didn't eat awful food, and I did stop and walk out of my hole.. all in all not a bad day. I had a lot of stress today and wanted jelly all day. Made the decision to have a pot around 3pm and then had another later, enjoyed them and wanted to eat all sorts of 'bad' things but resisted and made the compromise to eat something I know will not do me 'harm'.

Hope you have all had a good day x

day 3: It's been a Little tough today, with yogurt calling me all day long. I haven't given in though and pleased with myself. I have realised that I have become quite obsessed with wanting it, and need to continue to fight this as although having yogurt wouldn't be awful... tomorrow that could be chocolate and so I need to address it now and I know that. I have decided I will keep eating jelly though, 2 pots a day and am enjoying that. I had salmon for dinner and it was lovely but filling. Felt full all evening now and need my 3rd pack, that's going to be quite hard to fit in to be honest! Been feeling very up and down today, and very tempted by various foods. I'm pleased that I have not succumbed as I realise how easy it is, even got the yogurt out of the fridge, soon in hand and then put it back. I know I need to put space in between when I desire something and letting myself time to think, but what my brain is trying to do is not think and just do it.. glad I won the battle today, tomorrow is another day.

Well done Gemma - keeping battling those little demon thoughts - you'll do great!

Day 4: well I'm sat here, 2am and my tummy i still bloated! Had really good day and then had my chicken and salad which was very nice and satisfying, so why did I then feel the need to have 3 pots of jelly and half a pot of yogurt? I wasn't hungry, I wasn't feeling emotional, I'm not sure what it was about if I'm honest, but I did it and I take responsibility for it. I still feel awfully bloated, it's not a nice feeling and hopefully one I can and will remember! Can't wait for tomorrow when my tummy will have gone down a bit..

I'm petrified that I will just keep eating and making the same mistakes that got me to 16stone 10lbs.. I don't want to go back there and I know only I can stop that from happening.. time for some bridge building me thinks.

Speak tomorrow, hopefully with a better day x

(((hugs))) I wrote out a reply to you and this problem in my journal - so have a lookie there.
x

thanks min - I now have post it notes all over my kitchen cupboards with message on them, it worked when I went out for jelly earlier so that's good!

day 5: food wise was ok today. Had a lovely grilled Salmon steak with salad, really enjoyed and savoured it. I had 2 pots of jelly and yogurt today. After giving myself permission to eat it instead of continue on my down wards spiral of self destruction! I also weighed myself yesterday and was pleased to see I have stayed the same. The only mess up today was the I ate 2 handfuls of granola with raisins. I don't even know why I did it, and I nearly died when I saw the carbs and calories in it Still need to do some thinking over that. However, I did ok with everything else. I managed to drink lots of water, that's one good habit I think I have under my belt. Had 2 cups of tea with a little milk, making sure I don't have too much tea as I have managed without it. All in all not a bad day, hope you are all well x

It's very easy to pick things up and put them in your mouth. I still catch myself doing it! But I watch my hand - and as in slow motion I watch it approach my mouth. In a momentary decision I throw down the piece of food and walk away - because I listen to the voice screaming 'NO!!' below the voice 'go on then'.
Act on the first impulse to throw it away - into the bin if necessary... I find binning things quite satisfying to be honest.

Gem, have been meaning to post here for ages... just wanted to wish you the best of luck, sounds like you are doing just fine hun!! Any questions just give me a shout!! Enjoy the process.. it is scary but in a more controlled way!!

Jez
xx

Hey Gemma, how are you doing?

/hug!!

hey min and jez, I'm still here and doing 'ok.' Stayed the same this week, which is fine by me bearing in mind how much jelly and yogurt I ate at time!

This week has been a lot better as I can have the jelly and yogurt without 'guilt' and that has helped. I have generally made good choices and enjoyed new things. Tried tuna steak for first time today. Enjoyed it, had it marinated with lime juice and garlic and then grilled it. Only ate about half as I was full and stopped. Looking forward to my jelly and yogurt later!

I did have an oreo on Tuesday, felt awful about that and then had a handful of granola yesterday. So I did some thought logs as I was starting to panic that i was going out of control and couldn't stop myself. Today I wrote down on my food/mood diary, that today is a new day, 100% commitment, and so far so good. Really pleased with myself as I was getting to the point most day of 'cheating' and it was frustrating me. Have enjoyed eating today, so was nice to feel guilt free and know I had stuck to my plans. Really looking forward to fruit next week!

Well done Gemma!! I'm proud of you - doing the thought logs at this stage is crucial because you learn about your choices and how you can improve next time. And do remember - one extra is not the be-it and end-all...!
You're doing very well - just try to keep an 'adult' head. That granola that you want 'right now' will still be there tomorrow. That sort of thinking. Promise yourself that thing (you shouldn't have) tomorrow - because usually when tomorrow comes, you won't want it anyway because you'll undo all the hard work!

As per food though... You do have to be quite careful at this stage - your metabolism does need time to readjust. Your body at the moment is in 'starvation' mode, and with the extra calories coming in it will very soon go into 'overdrive'. The end of 'starvation' period will trigger an influx for emotional and chemical responses pushing your brain to crave more food to combat this long abstinence and refill it's stocks to it's "natural" state (pre-diet body energy stores). It will be very, very hard to resist temptation - but preparation for this is possible. I suggest - get lots of sugar-free chewing gum (when you WANT FOOD - even if it's the last thing you want to do - pop a piece of chewing gum in your mouth) - the mint and the chewing action will very quickly reduce the craving. Try it next time you feel like you can't resist.

Hi Gemma

You're doing fine hun. Don't panic.
It is so hard to unlearn the habits of a
lifetime isn't it?
It's very scary when we first start to eat again. i can remember it felt like being on a precipice and feeling like I could lose control at any time.
For ages I felt guilty every time I ate anything. It does take some adjusting to.
I expect you are thinking that abstinence is easier and woud like to go back to it.
It takes a lot more control to eat a little and then stop than to not have anything - however that's what we've got to do.
Learn a whole new way of eating for the rest of our lives.
Something that works for me is to have a drink when I think I feel hungry. Helps to make me feel full up.
Also remember all the things that have changed for the better for you since you started.
Well done Gemma. I'm sure you'll be fine. xxxx

ok so week 3 has added fruit, wohoooooooo however this has left me feeling somewhat like the free child in a sweet shop and I have eaten so much fruit I have felt sick at times, not a good place to be at all. Have had that full feeling, couldn't seem to stop myself. Decided to take fruit to the side and that would be my daily amount, it was 3 pieces, but wasn't sticking to that and eating up to 8 pieces. The problem was I brought every fruit on the list it seems and so every time I went into the kitchen I was pinching a few grapes, a couple of strawberries, some gorgeous raspberries, you get the idea! Also as they fruit was 'going bad' I didn't want to waste any, I didn't think I had a problem with having to eat it all, but clearly I do as I couldn't bear the thought of throwing it away.

Well tonight I have had a sit down, a cry, a cuddle and made a plan. Next week I will stick to just 'plain' fruits that aren't as easy to just stick one in your mouth. So it will be apples, pears and oranges. This will be a lot easier for me to manage with. I will also write a food plan the night before and try to stick to that, still having my yogurt and jelly each day which I really enjoy which is great.

Also had 3 Oreo cookies, don't want to talk about that really but they are all in the bin now.

Tomorrow is another day, lots of lessons to learn...

By the way - stay away from grapes for now - they have been the downfall for MANY on RTM - because of the sugar content within them... The very high sugar content in some fruit can create huge spikes in blood sugar levels and as a consequence create sugar-lows which are linked with increased hunger pangs and lethargy.

Low-Carb/Low-Sugar Fruits: A list of the best and the worst fruit for low-carb dieters.

Hope this helps for now.

x

thanks for that min, didn't know that and it makes so much sense! I had already decided not to buy the fruit I can 'pick' at easily.

Had a good day today, I do so much better when I make plans, I know I won't always be able to make plans around what I eat, but while I can I am going to try doing this more. Although I am a lot happier with my choices today, I am still sat here full, but this time only because of jelly rather than oreos.

Been so scared and emotional the last few days. Don't want to throw this dream away, want to stay slim, and feeling great and I know the only person who can do that is me. I know I am responsible for everything that goes in my mouth. I am responsible for my actions. Today is a new day and so will tomorrow be, one step at a time for now... I will do this. I will make mistakes, I will use these as learning opportunities. I do not want to get fat again.. I can CHOSE not to. Thanks for reading and supporting people, it means so much.

You are doing really well. Make the lists and plan. It creates a structure over the course of adherence over the next few weeks; and it will become easier. Create little rules - and try not to break them.

And always remember: everything will be ok. nothing is as bad as it seems.

x

Hi Gemma
Been here, done that too!
When I introduced fruit on RTM I went crazy for it. OD d on grapes, ate them like sweets. it became a quick addiction - and dried cranberries, apricots and nuts and dates too!
All delicious, all very fattening
For the first time in over a year I put on 2lbs. Iwas devastated and felt the panic that you are feeling now.
I decided to re-group and be sensible.
I still eat loads of fruit, but now it's mostly apples and berries with the other sweeter fruits as treats or a little extra.
I also buy the frozen summer fruits from the supermarket and have them with cinnamon, ginger and natural fat free yogurt or SF jelly. Problem solved.
Blueberries are delicious and often on special offer.
Enjoy, you'll be fine. We learn as we go along. xxx

thanks SB, feeling better knowing you guys are here to help! x